Driving down Northwest Highway the other day, I was dutifully transporting children from one school to another when my 13-year old son, who sat shotgun, said something that almost made me sick. Typical Dallas, we were surrounded by opulence – on our left was a Lexus, our right a Porsche and directly in front a silver Mazarati.
“Mom. Which one of those do you think I would look best in? I think the Porsche. Yeah. That’s what car I’m going to get when I’m 16.”
Fighting back the nausea, I look at him. “What planet are you on? … And how do you think you will pay for one of those cars?” A question I know had no answer, since his primary activity involves a screen and remote control.
Who is raising him??!! Is that ALL he thinks about – money? Where have all my words of wisdom gone? The hours of modeling service — the countless lectures on being content with what you have — and all the well-thought-out soliloquies I’ve delivered on the fact that “stuff” will never really satisfy you.
I drop him off at school and exited the parking lot disturbed. As I passed through the last school zone on my way home, I dialed my sister-in-law and one of my best friends. Not only did I need to vent to someone, I needed reassurance that I wasn’t crazy and that there is a light at the end of this monetary, self-centered teenager tunnel. She delivered on the former, but couldn’t help much with the latter since she has a few slackers of her own. The more we talked, the more I realized something incredibly sobering (and a bit disgusting.)
Our homes (and I’m talking most American families) are epicenters of entitlement. Somewhere along the way, we have opted to adhere to the philosophy of Vladimir Lenin’s socialism – punting capitalism and all the accompanying hard work. We are raising, and have raised, generations who believe the world is here to serve them.
And why not? That’s what I’m doing in my house. I’m embarrassed to admit that not one of my 5 children know how to do their own laundry. Not one can clean a bathroom … I mean really clean it. Not one can cook, serve and clean up a full dinner (frozen pizza or chicken nuggets don’t count). I’m not sure my 7-year-old can even cut his own waffles. Ugh! Okay, so they can do a lot of things. They are genuinely great kids. But if I’m being honest, they are getting a sweet free ride … especially in their home life.
It really hit me when my 7th grader, the one who plans on driving the Porsche at 16, brought home a school assignment. His English teacher had assigned a five minute “declamation”. The task: pick a speech, writing, something quotable that is of interest, commit 5 minutes of it to memory, then recite it in front of the class. Well, my kid, following in his mother’s footsteps, procrastinated to the point of the teacher choosing his passage for him. He came home with Teddy Roosevelt’s address to the Hamilton Club in Chicago in 1899 entitled “The Strenuous Life”.
I tried, with no success, to hold back my laughter when I read what my slightly lazy, “what’s the least I can do to get it done” teenager had to memorize for his assignment. Here’s brief portion of what T.R. has to say about hard work.
“THE STRENUOUS LIFE
In speaking to you, men of the greatest city of the West, men of the State which gave to the country Lincoln and Grant, men who preëminently and distinctly embody all that is most American in the American character, I wish to preach, not the doctrine of ignoble ease, but the doctrine of the strenuous life, the life of toil and effort, of labor and strife; to preach that highest form of success which comes, not to the man who desires mere easy peace, but to the man who does not shrink from danger, from hardship, or from bitter toil, and who out of these wins the splendid ultimate triumph.
A life of slothful ease, a life of that peace which springs merely from lack either of desire or of power to strive after great things, is as little worthy of a nation as of an individual. I ask only that what every self-respecting American demands from himself and from his sons shall be demanded of the American nation as a whole. … ”
(for the full speech, see: The Strenuous Life)
Oh there is much more. And it’s incredibly convicting. T.R. would be turning over in his grave to know what we have done to the country that he and so many other diligent and driven founders of our nation worked SO hard to create. Uhm… I’m afraid to say that my kids would probably be the ones opting for “mere easy peace” … for sure shrinking from “hardship” and “bitter toil” … who wouldn’t? Well, apparently T.R. wouldn’t. Our founding fathers wouldn’t. Bill Gates wouldn’t. Mother Teresa wouldn’t.
Okay, the list could go on … and I could feel more and more like a failure. But that’s not the end of the story. Right Paul Harvey?!
The first step? Admit my problem. {I am an enabling mother}
Second step. Quit! I want to be a recovering enabler. I want to stop being a MAT and be a proud MOAT … one that serves its purpose instead of letting my kids control the drawbridge.
Thus the reason behind this blog. I’m not a blogger. I don’t really know any girls my age that blog (I’m 44, btw … and have only recently joined Facebook … I still use a landline and sometimes even handwrite a note … oh, yeah, I also write checks. My friend Lynn opened a whole new world for me when she introduced me to the power of the debit card. I honestly didn’t know you could check out at Costco with a debit card. I’m the one everyone would be cursing under their breath as my antiquated form of payment required filling out three lines and a signature).
Well, I’m taking back my home – leaving socialism and all its entitlements behind. These kids are going to get a taste of what life is. Not what they think it is supposed to be … but the real stuff. Making beds, cooking, cleaning, washing, paying their dues. Who knows, I might even introduce the concept of rent. . …. I’ll have to run that one by Jon. Anyway, I am now determined (at least today, remember I’m a procrastinator) that they are going to walk out of this house ready to serve the world, not to have it serve them.
For years, when my kiddos were little, I was involved in MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers), a terrific organization that really helped me by providing a forum to gain invaluable parenting tips during the preschool years. I have long since yearned for the same thing to help me as a Mother of Adolescents and Teens. I realized that even if it existed, I wouldn’t be able to go. I’m too busy carting everyone, helping with homework, yadda, yadda, yadda…
So I’m hoping that maybe this could be a forum for women in the same boat. Whatever tidbits of wisdom I get from moms that have walked the road we trod, I will post it. Whatever mistakes I’ve made or learned from … they’re coming your way. This may be a new forum for many of us (the blogging thing) but it is probably the most efficient and logical.
I need accountability, encouragement and suggestions. My children don’t have any idea what is about to hit them. They are about to be revolutionized and I’m inviting you along for the ride. Maybe you might want to join us. Whatever the case, feel free to let me know what you think and please pass it along. I learned a while ago, the ride isn’t much fun alone … a few friends and some sound advice can smooth the bumps and keep the detours at a minimum.
That’s all for now. I guess thanks for letting me spew. My next post will feature “Operation Bed-Making and Clutter Control”. Here’s what I’m up against:
Girls’ room
Boys’ room
oops… that’s my bed – guess the apples don’t fall too far from the tree :)
I seriously love it! My teens are 13, 16, and 18… I swear you just posted about my family. My 16 year old is certain that he will be driving a Bugatti soon. I vacillate between getting tough and then just riding it out and letting them pay the consequences once they move out… all attempts to change things seem to be an exercise in futility most days. I blogged for a couple of years about international adoption, but have since left it. Love your concept.
Kay,
Thanks for blazing this trail. I know it will be very entertaining. Am I your first "Dad" to join? So you may have to rename it "Moats and Doats."
Here is an interesting article I read in the NYT this week that I was reminded about in reading your blog. Thought you and your readers might enjoy seeing it.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/24/opinion/24kristof.html?scp=1&sq=Power%20of%20Half&st=cse
Kaybird!
Great idea:) I am not a blogger either, but you are a natural at it. This is going to be super. I was just recently venting about the whole "entitlement vibe" that is taking over society. It both makes me sick and worries me.
My kids used to be good bed-makers from early pre-school days. There was a "no tv, no computer until beds are made" rule. Now my kids are 15, 12.5, 9 and even my faithful daughter abandoned the rule. Starting back to school I resurrected the bed-making rule with the variation: No made bed, no dessert. (I realize this could open a whole other discussion about food rewards, but dessert was being eaten on a regular basis anyway, so I went for it.)
There was scattered success over the first few days with the attitude by the lazy of "there's nothing that great for dessert anyway . . ." The final hump was when only ONE had remembered and I purposely went and got cookie dough ice cream–and only ONE kid got to eat it:-) They have been pretty consistent ever since. I just need to be sure I check there rooms every day and stick to the rule–another month or so and I believe the habit will be re-established.
Now, about cooking dinner . . .
Congrats on entering the TeenZone, and yes, very similar to the Twilight Zone. With one babe in the 20's now I join the other "older moms" that there is light ahead. Perhaps far ahead, but it is there.
When you want the low down on things that may work I would love to share the little that I know. For instance, laundry can be learned as early as 11 or 12. (From my experiences.) Just remember not to overwhelm the kiddo by expecting too much at once. If the Laundry lessons are brand new information then start with what is practical. In my home the first several months the child only washes their sheets and towels. While it won't revolutionize your ChoreLoad, it is a begining and setting up for success is key. Our next step is Tshirts. That is actually a bigger jump than you might think because it will require the "worker" to turn things right side out, check for stains and then treat them. Once this is mastered you will feel better about trusting the nicer things to their care. So there you have my practical advice for the day. It is encouraging to know that most mothers do some things well and struggle in other areas. That is certainly the case for this mom. One of my current struggles is cooking to satisfy everyone. Notice I did not say "please everyone". THAT would be an unattainable goal in this home with the moods and attitudes that fly through on occasion!
LOVING the comments! Great ideas and encouragement already.
Thanks for walking the road together.
Kay and Jon! You know the kids I have in my life are include your 5 and I can't tell you how thrilled I am to help you join in your experience. Just let me know what I can do to help. My mom certainly had all these things in place when I was growing up so I have plenty of ideas :)
That FAAF comment is by me–Lynn..???don't know how the FAAF got attached?
Even though I have spent years thinking I was fighting against the tide of entitlement, you have helped me realize how much I have contributed to it! So, from now on I will no longer tell my girls how hard they have it with all the homework, sports, and activities that they are blessed enough to have in their lives. What was I thinking? My grandma living in the dust bowl during the depression had it hard…my dad fighting in the vietnam war had it hard. We live with plenty of stuff and plenty of ease. I see how I have been doing them a dis-service by telling them how much harder they have it in school then when I was a kid. So as they place their ipod in their i-home, and text on their cell with their homework on the lap of their designer jeans, while yelling at their sister to get out of the room they don't have to share…I recall what I was doing with the extra time that wasn't spent on homework and dance, gymnastics and track…I was mowing the lawn, raking leaves and washing my dad's corvair in my "designer" painters pants. Lauren
Preach it, sister!
Kay:
My boys do their beds almost everyday. We started the trend when they were 4. These days if they forget and I notice before we leave for school, I will not drive them until the beds are made. If I do not notice, they pay Velia (our helper) $1. We do not do allowances but they get $10 for every "A" in their report card. So, they always have some money. This is jennifer although I am using Samuel's account.
I could work on my system for sure! I am joining you, although I can usually get beds made, I am going to think of another item.
Two future thoughts; my first 4 used to argue over sitting in the front seat. Now they each have one week of the month they get to sit in the front. However they must gather the laundry on Sunday night, sort it and start two loads. If they do not they not only don't get to sit in the front, they are grounded.
Second growing up my brothers and I each had a night we had to make the dinner. I just include mine in the cooking process, they like it. They pick out recipes etc.
ok I'll check in soon, praying for you, julie
I read about your blog in Money Matters…I finally traced the blog back to the beginning so my motivation could make progress into intentionally reality! I am forwarding it on to my MOPS friends…thanks for the words of wisdom! I can't wait to incite my own rebellution at home!!! (Have you ever read "Do Hard Things?" Required reading for the 12+s in our household!) I appreciate your leap to bloghood so others can be inspired!
I just came over from FB, and I made a point to find the earliest post I could to get a quick feel for what your blog is about and all I can say is WOW, just wow. Our oldest son is almost 5 (youngest son to be born in Nov) and we have spoiled him. He gets gifts for any reason. The most recent was for handling his booster shots like a man (ok, so that wasn’t just ANY reason…he didn’t even cry) but now he thinks that any time he does something that will impress Dad he can get a new toy. Good times. So I think I am in desperate need of your site and your book.
I’m fighting myself!! My 5yr olds room is a mess and it would be so much quicker and I could get rid of things if I just “did it myself”!!!
I know she CAN do it, I just don’t have the patience, after all her sister is going to be born in April and I’d like it done before then…. :)