The college domino affect started a few years ago in our house.
With five kids, we knew it loomed on the horizon since the days when they were little tykes, convinced that swimming in a plastic pool in the front yard was as close to paradise as one could get. Now those early years of making a dollar stretch a mile, making life-altering decisions (like which Mother’s Day Out is “best” – as if), birthday parties, carpools, sports teams, … fill in the blank – all seem like child’s play as we face daunting. Not only the cost (seriously – what happened?!) but also the huh?!-factor. Huh?, as in – since when did co-ed dorms sound like a good idea, for young adults – who may or may not be at the height of their wise-decision-making ability.
But along with daunting comes exciting. Seriously exciting. These kids are amazing. I’ve thought for years how incredible it will be to put smart, techno-savvy people head to head with some of the worlds most difficult issues. The day is coming and has arrived for many.
As we face new milestones, it’s probably good to look back and remember those “insurmountable”s that seemed so ick in the moment, but were handled and survived – even when the handling was more like bumbling, we still survived.
So – on that note, our Freshman (in college) daughter & I thought about tips to give to her Freshman (in high school) brother, some perspective. Because perspective can inform the mountains that are now no longer in the distance, but close-up and in our personal space.
And, truth be told, her words to him could probably go a long way to inform her new world. Funny how it works that way. I almost always need to hear whatever I’m telling my kids. And core things haven’t much changed since I was a Freshman in high school or college.
So here you go, Freshman to Freshman:
You can say No to ANYTHING putting you in a position that compromises your morals, your personal standards – or is illegal, even things that seem minor. Really say No. I promise it’s okay. You’ll survive and your integrity is worth SO MUCH MORE than any compromise. And – if you get left out or jeered, then you’ve got proof it wasn’t worth your time anyway. Plus – you never know who else who wanted to say No but was having trouble finding their voice and just needed a hand-up.
You can say No if you don’t want to go to something or need down time. Just because “everyone” else is going, don’t be pressured. “Everyone” isn’t real. Yeah it’s fake. So don’t let it mess with your thoughts.
You can say No to feeling bad about yourself if/when (yes WHEN) you’re not invited or left out of something. Trust me, you’re not the only one. Really terrific people aren’t invited and sit at another table – just open your eyes. Or better yet, start the new table or have people over to our house (it’s not as lame as you think). And, by the way, it’s okay to sit alone – even courageous.
You can say Yes to listening in class. That might sound stupid, but the one thing that helped me more than anything on tests or homework or grades overall – was listening in class. If you can’t hear, be the dork and sit on the front row. Not every teacher is a rock star, but they have something to say that you can learn. It will get you through the Mid-Terms AND Finals.
You can say something nice to people. Saying someone’s name when you talk to them means more than you can imagine. But even if you can’t remember their name, something small-nice can literally make someone’s day. They might even pay it forward. It bounced back to me once on the volleyball court – who knew that would happen, and it sure made me feel good.
You can say something nice to your teacher. They’re people too. And I don’t think they teach for the money. They probably like kids and learning. Regardless, everyone could use a reminder that they’re appreciated. (Listen, I know that I probably talk more than you – but something small will mean even more coming from someone who isn’t super outgoing.) And who cares if people think you’re the teacher’s pet – you know you’re not – it’s okay to sincerely like them.
For sure say something nice to the workers in the cafeteria, at the cross walks, in the halls. Even a small thanks or hi.
You can say No to procrastination. I think that’s probably the hardest thing – next to the moral standard & peer pressure stuff. Try your hardest to not get behind. Staying on top of things actually makes you physically feel better.
Then say YES to enjoying/experiencing rather than just living through. For instance, when you have to read a book, try to forget the obligation part and try to enjoy it, and maybe learn from it. I mean, if you’re going to spend time doing something – don’t let the taskiness of it ruin the good part.
You can say No, but still be friends with people who make different choices than you. Don’t judge others – and this going to sound corny – but care about them. Don’t preach. Actions always speak louder than words. And you never know when you will be the one who might be on the other side of a questionable choice. You are a genuinely nice kid. And the person making questionable choices is likely a nice kid too.
Which leads to the last thing (this is from Mom) you can say NO to anything that tricks you into thinking your identity or self worth is defined by something other than Truth. You are so much more than grades or making a team or being in a certain friend group or getting into a certain college.
Then – have FUN. Don’t forget to enjoy.
Thanks for walking the road with US :)
This is amazing and I love that in your daughters voice/wisdom — I hear yours. What a gift your kids have in You as there mom.
Great wisdom and sound advice! Tell Lucy Wyma I am passing on to Lucy S!
Great article! I often think about what I would say to myself when I was back in high school… and it’s many of the same things.
Being able to say no is a hard but important skill… especially when you feel bad about potentially hurting people’s feelings.
I would also add – to myself – that the best thing anyone can do is to find who you are and live authentically without worrying about what others will think or say… that’s powerful; that’s cool; and that’s the key to being successful.
Thanks for a cool post!
This is great wisdom that carries far beyond high school and collage and is applicable for a lifetime!